goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
