Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
