i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
