It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
