Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
