matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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