I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
