Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
not ubering you a puppy
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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