Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
