i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
