38 yer olds are good kisserssss
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
