I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
