Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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