Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
