oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
