I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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