I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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