mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
