Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
