Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
