Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
