No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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