just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
