So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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