Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
