I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
