He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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