if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
