Im at strip club and am horny
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
