I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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