The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The power of my boobs compel you
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
