I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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