I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I did not marry a roomba.
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