I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
