It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
as a side note pls kill me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
