the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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