I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
two words: eviction party
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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