You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
