I just cut my nipple shaving
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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