so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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