Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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