i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize