I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
