You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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