you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
