just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
