My room smells like vodka and shame
I think I won the penis lottery.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
