I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We talked him into tasing himself.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
