you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
