i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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