Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
