Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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