At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
smell my finger.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
