tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
