So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
