the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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