Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
