just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
