the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
