Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
