I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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