I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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