i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
